Following on from my previous audio about Rules for Living, I'd like to explore that a bit further with you really, maybe sit down and start writing down what some of your rules might be, we have all kinds of rules for all sorts of things, trying to keep it specific to the ones that are really unhelpful to you. The ones that cause distress, they're keeping people away, they're rejecting people before they reject you, the not sharing who you are, so that you aren't judged or the over pleasing the fawning around people, they're the kind of rules that just don't seem to pay out at all.

Once you look at them on paper, I'm hoping that it might motivate you to think about changing them and writing some new ones. So a really common one that I often use for previous perfectionism rules is something just really simple like I can only do my best, or for the bigger perfectionists out there, another one I quite like is perfectionism as the antithesis of progress, or perfectionism is the opposite of progress. Just something to remind you that, you know, you're prone to those behaviours and that is not helpful. We want to take out the words should, must and ought to, which usually depict a rule in the first place. We want to take those words out because they imply an obligation, and we feel obligated then to act in that way.

So yeah, be careful with your new rules. Try to make them soft, use words like I'm learning to, or sometimes it's helpful to. Have you ever noticed how some of the older generations might seem more rigid, or people get more rigid as they get older? My theory on that is because many of them haven't done this work on themselves. They haven't explored what their rules are. And so as they go through life without challenging their core beliefs, or negative thoughts, the brain gathers more and more information that they are those negative beliefs and that those negative beliefs define them. So the stronger the belief, the stronger the need to put in the old rule.

But emphasis there on the word old, we can change the rules anytime we like. And we just have to give ourselves permission to do that. And when we do, if I link you back to that five areas CBT model, just notice how it can not only be used as a mantra to challenge a thought and reduce emotional responses, these new rules can drive new behaviours. You change the behaviour, you change the thoughts. And the good news about that is you don't even have to start challenging them. Your behaviour will change your thoughts more positively, and more helpful.

Thoughts will naturally evolve. And that's great. That's a win-win situation. So think about what your new rules might look like. Personally, I quite like cheesy quotes or things I've found on social media and those are usually a great source of new rules. One of my favourites for my clients who really, really worry about rejection and judgment, as many of you probably will, is a Dr Zeus quote: "be true to yourself, because those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter". I use that as a mantra. Every single day of my life. I find it incredibly helpful. Or maybe a little saying like not my circus, not my monkeys. So have a think about what your rules might be and how they might cause you distress. Write them down and then think about changing them. Good luck.

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